I don't think it is the surgery that I am afraid of, or even the cancer.
I remember being like 8 or 9 when I realized that everything and everyone will die. I cried in bed many nights dwelling on this thought. Then in my 20's I realized how silly that was because there is so much life after 9, 16, 20, 50, 70, nowadays 80 is still young- or at least not old enough to die. But it's weird to know kind of how I'm going to die. No, not this time, and not next, but some day this may catch up to me, and right now I am that 8 year old little girl realizing that I am not going to live forever. Now I'm not at all saying that I am giving up. I really do feel that in the near future there WILL be a CURE for cancer, not just treatments. And I am hopeful that I will be here in my 80's writing an old fashion blog.
This just comes from me trying to understand my fears and rationalize them so that they are not so scary. See, even now I feel better.
I just want to know my grandkids someday, andI will :)
hopefully not before the girls are married!
2 comments:
I became an official follower, consider me your chi chi cheerleader. Man, I haven't read since last night and missed a few post already... Off to say my prayers.
I can't help it, the question "why?" runs through my head over and over and over. Why now? We just barely celebrated moms survival! Why Anise? Since our mom was diagnosed, she has done breast walks, volunteered for the Avon walk for breast cancer, helped coordinate breast cancer survivor luncheons at kaiser...so how does this happen to her? Why not me instead? I would jump in front of a bullet for her! Anise, if your reading this... do you remember going on church retreats when we were younger? They had that maze that you had to walk through? And there were obstacles all around (mousetraps, lit candles, etc.) We had to be blindfolded and finish the maze by only listening to that one voice off in the distance giving us directions. All these years have passed and I had never really understood the importance of that "game" ...until now, it makes sense! We don't know what lies before us, God does, its all mapped out for us, I don't know why any of this is happening. This is a true test of faith! God is making sure you trust Him. Don't be nervous about tomorrow, He won't leave your side, not for one second!!
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