Marriage

I have been married now for about 6 1/2 years and I can definitely see the whole grass is always greener on the other side. Now I am not saying that I want to be single, more that marriage is hard work. I know very few people who like being married all the time, I think realistically we all know that there are good days and bad days, and it sometimes feels like more bad days, waiting for the good.

Now, nothing in particular happened to make me write this, I actually can't sleep, but am really tired so I decided to blog.

So back to this marriage is hard, now try throwing cancer into the mix. Like I have mentioned before, sad to say, but we always assumed my husband would get sick, way later in life, and I would take care of him. It's in my nature, but for me to get sick really test the whole sickness and health, richer or poorer part of our vows. It was hard when I felt like crap and could not do anything, and it's hard when I look, feel, and act ok, because really, I am never 100%. I have been better at letting him know when I just don't feel good, or am tired, but it's hard because I know he works long hard days and is also tired all the time. And I feel bad because I am so differed from the carefree recent college graduate he married. I am bald, and deformed, and weak, and tired, and sadder, and now to reframe, I know that I am also more hopeful, determined, motivated, and appreciative of a lot of things than I used to be. I value every moment spent with family and friends, I really do stop to smell the flowers, or watch the clouds move across the sky, but again I am different, and I know as we get older, we grow and evolve, and if I am being truly honest, it's my looks that bother me the most, and I know most are just temporary, but I am bald, and am missing a breast, and I never really look like the person he married. And it has to bother him, even if it's just a little.

On a positive note, yesterday my daughters and I went swimming and we were all changing into bathing suits when my 6 year old look at my chest and said, "mommy, I am not used to your scar yet, but I accept it now." My girls look at me and see mommy, despite my changes :)

Baby picture

My mom told me today that while sorting through old pictures she found a picture of me when I was about 4 months old. She said it made her sad because my chest was exposed and you could see my nipples. And she thought, how could we have known so long ago that one day I would lose my breast to cancer. That innocent picture of a happy baby. And I get it. I look at my girls chest with fear all the time. And although I have so much hope for the future and what medicine has in store, I will always be a little fearful. And as I sit here writing this I am watching my girls sleep, so peacefully. And I cry, because I am still terrified. And I feel that is I hold them close to me, my body will remember what it is fighting for, they are still babies, my babies, and they need me. Me!

Still feeling not sick

But I need to remind myself that I am still under treatment. I kept a pretty busy schedule yesterday, and at the end if the night I had a panic attack. I went numb all over and I couldn't breath... I couldn't move. After laying down for 10 min I felt a little better. But totally exhausted. But again today, I got up with a full schedule of things to do, and at about 3pm I was done, not literally with my to do list, but my body said stop, so I took a nap. So the house didn't get completely clean, and only half the laundry is done, but no panic attack.

Happy Birthday Linda

It's my sister's birthday today and I am feeling great. Well enough to make her dinner.

Feeling good

I started my new drug regimin today, and I am happy to report that 12 hours later I am feeling good. With the last regimin of (AC) right now I would be throwing up with a massive headache and the feeling of a metal rod in my sinus cavity, but not tonight. So far, so good. I may still have some fatigue for the next few days, and mid cycle, (in about 6 weeks) I may start to lose some feelings in my fingertips and toes, but that should only be temporary. I feel the prayers and positive thoughts working!

Taxol and herceptin

Tomorrow I start my next chemo regimen. It will be weekly for 12 weeks. The side effects should be milder, so that is good news. But since tomorrow is my first does, chemo will take 6-8 hours! They have to infuse very slowly to make sure I am not allergic to the medication. That's like a whole workday!

Otherwise things are going well. The kids have been taking swimming lessons, so that gets us out of the house. Friday is my sister's birthday. Not much else going on.

Strong and liberated

That is how I am feeling. Like usual, I have had several moments over the past few weeks when i feel sad and overwhelmed, but tonight in the shower I accepted my bald head. Although I would never intentionally  have shaved my head for any other reason (except for my children) it really takes a lot of strength and courage to lose all your hair, and I know that me and my cancer sisters do not choose this path, we do choose how we live it. How we learn from it. And tonight, I am ok. I am healthy, for the most part, I have a wonderful family, loyal and amazing friends- both new and old, and it might be my imagination, but I think I have like 100 hairs that have grown like 1/4 inch!

Let's go Dodgers- 100th post!

Wow, this is my 100th post! So my brother got me some great dodger tix, I guess one of the benefits to not working right now, I'm readily available for last minute tickets. We are field level, just feet away from the players. The Dodgers are down by 1, but its only the top of the third... not a bad way to spend a warm Wednesday afternoon! thanks Henry!

Home bound

On our way home. It was a nice get away, but I don't think we will be staying at planet hollywood again. I hate to admit it, but we were too old to be there. You can hear music, even on the 50th floor all night, literally unill at least 4 am. And last night the couple in the room next to us got in a huge fight at 3am! We had to call security. We were told that they were VIP guest. That does not excuse the yelling and throwing things we 3am.

But on a more positive note, last night I spent some time at Starbucks drinking hot tea and reading. I know strange thing to do in Vegas, but I never get alone time to just relax, not having to rush home or wondering what the kids are up to. It was great. All in all a nice change of scenery.

50 floors up!

So, on a whim we thought, the kids are out of school, husband is off off on Friday, let's go to Vegas! So we booked a room at planet hollywood packed up the kids and 4 long hours later, here we are with this awesome room on the 50 th floor! Tomorrow we have to switch rooms, this one only has 1 bed... but it nice and hot here and were looking forward to laying out by the pool!

This is just a chapter

So today was a really hard day for me, no particular reason, I was just tired and emotional and sick. So I decide to end the day with a hot shower. I don't have a large shower, but I haul in the stool the girls use to brush their teeth and take a seat and embrace the hot water, then like I have all weekend, I cry. I think to myself, I'm tired of looking like this, I'm tired of being bald, I'm tired of my sagging boob and 6 inch scar, not to mention the dimples and 2 inch scar over my right breast from my port, I'm tired of smelling metal, and so on and so on I go through this exhausting list, and as I am crying and dry heaving I realize, this is just one chapter of my life, my story does not end here. And all became calm. I picked up my amazing grace body wash and I was ok. I still feel sick and nauseous, but this is only a very short chapter of my life.

I'm sad because I feel so sick. I can't do anything, I can't even play with my girls, or even watch them play. I am weak and nauseous. My stomach is a mess, I have that sinus issue I get every chemo. I was so hoping that it would be better this time, but I feel awful. Hard to compare cycle from cycle, that have all been bad. And this time I really tried to rest. My husband went to go pick up the 11 y/o and I thought I would ne ok watching the girls, but I can't even watch my girls for an hour. I feel sick. Fortunately my brother is coming to pick up the girls, they are kind of running wild right now.

Feeling sick and tired...

And tired of feeling sick and tired.