I am feeling better, not great, not even good, but better. Still a little nauseous, still weak, but I have an appetite, and I'm out of bed.
How to describe chemo for me- nausea and fatigue, a headache, and constipation, sensitivity to smell and sound.
I still feel awful, but no vomiting, so that's good. I am so tired though. I feel bad, but the kids seem to understand. I also feel bad for my family, having to absorb the stress and responsibility. I am grateful for the help I am receiving from friends and classmates of my kids. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon, at least till the next session.
I feel terrible. Even typing hurts. The furtherest I can walk is to the bathroom and food is the last thing on my mind. I don't want to do anything. It's like morning sickness mixed in the the worst hangover ever.
And I realize that this means the chemo is working, literally killing every cell in my body, but its awful! I look and feel terrible. Please don't feel offended if I do not take your call or text, I just have no energy.
So, all done. Not too bad so far, just a headache. I had 2 nice roommates with me and was entertained by visitors, thank you all, made the time fly by, can't believe I was there almost 5 hours, didn't feel like it. Thank you Barbara for the snacks, they came in very handy!
Now, I wait and see how the side effects will be...
And we've started. They are pushing the "red devil" as I type. I don't know the real name, but its a red injection that they slowly push into my port. I guess the side effects for this drug are horrible, especially if you are under 60. But I have been prescribed some pretty good anti nausea medicaion, and a pharmacist will be contacting me daily to ensure that I am doing ok.
Still feeling anxious.
So I am waiting to see my oncologist before I start chemo. I am really nervous and anxious. I think I need to pee, but I'm not sure, I might just need to throw up.
I bought some books, a magazine, and an mp3 player. I forgot my insurance card though. Trying to do some deep breathing to relax, but its not really working...
Super anxious!
Just waiting...
Waiting...
My hands are cold, and my cheeks are flushed...
When all through the park, little girls were having fun, it filled this mommy's heart.
But of course there were tantrums and whining, but it wouldn't be Disneyland without that. I surprised my girls this morning with a trip to Disneyland. I have taken them every year on their birthdays since they were one. I don't know how I'll be feeling this year, so we celebrated both birthdays today. Each girl got to pick a new pin and they each got new mickey ears. The girls even got to see their favorite princesses, Belle, Cinderella, Ariel, Aurora, and Snow White.
We didn't stay too late, we got home before 5, then headed to church. My port has been bothering me, and after church I was talking to an old friend who felt compelled to place her hands over my port and asked he Lord to remind me of His presence with me always, anytime I feel my port, I am now reminded of God's love and power.
So tomorrow, day 1 of chemo. For those that I had told, I was mistaken about the time. I have my doctor's appointment at 10 am and chemo at 11am.
So tonight I went out with my sister and 2 friends that I have known for like 20+ years, seriously. We went to Montana's, a country western bar/club. We did some line dancing and were quite entertained watching very drunk people dance. It was fun, although, I would occasionally find myself thinking "Im probably the only person here with one boob." It was nice to have a girls night out.
Addendum: so I had this realization last night, or early this morning I guess, yes, I have one boob, but so what. I am so thankful that I have good friends to go out with, and are not afraid of looking like fools trying to jump into a new dance, and that I am healthy and able to jump around to a new dance, and I have a nice home to come home to, and great family to watch my kids,and a great oncologist who emails me at 1:30 am to let me know that my scans that I had to re-take all look great! Yes, my situation sucks, but I am a very fortunate person.
So I bought some new hair today. I start chemo on Monday and my hair should begin to fall out about 14 days later. Being that I don't know how I will feel then, I thought, in preparation I should buy a nice wig now, since I am feeling ok. So my good friend Drea and my 5 year old went with me to LA to find some nice hair.
The top picture is me who my real hear and he bottom picture is my new hair. Thank you to all my friends who contributed to the real hair wig. It even has a natural looking scalp which will allow me to part it in different ways. And since its real human hair it can be curled, flat ironed, and blow dried. It might just be nicer than my natural hair.
Now my thought right now is, when my hair starts to fall out, I'm going to shave it. I want to invite my high school girl friends over (and/or whoever wants to come), open a bottle of wine, (or maybe a couple of bottles) order some pizza and shave my head. I want to have control over my hair, not the cancer or chemo. It will probably be short notice, but if you would like to be there for my scalp liberation, let me know.
I love watching my girls sleep. It's so hard for me to sleep, but watching them sleep is so peaceful. They are my babies, my heart. And watching them, I know everything will be ok. No matter how much they misbehave or talk back or tantrum during the day, they always look like little angles when they sleep. They are my strength and the don't even realize it.
It's so surreal. I'm laying here in pre op holding, and everything is so sterile, and I'm all hooked up to iv's, my surgeon just checked in with me... and again, I just can't believe I'm here. I can't believe I have cancer and I'm starting chemo I'm a week and I have no left breast. It's hard to describe or put into words. I am accepting of this challenge and ready, but I often still feel like it is a bad dream and I'm just waiting to wake up.
And anyone else who is up this early. On my way to surgery. Say an extra Hail Mary for me this morning!
So, I'm still doing well, feeling good. I had a heart scan this morning (muga test) to see how much chemo my heart can take, kind of weird with all these test and scan, the technician wears all this protective gear to handle the substances going in my body, directly into my veins... but what can I do. I'm getting pretty used to all the poking.
On Monday morning (5:30 am!) I will go on for an outpatient surgery to have a port put into my chest. Since I had so many lymph nodes removed, I can no longer have shots or blood draws from my left arm, which leaves me with one arm and poor veins in that arm. So the best option is to have a chemo port surgically installed in my chest. At first this freaked me out, but it makes sense, since I will have chemo for 6 months, then herceprin, a drug that specifically targets my kind of cancer for 1 year, it will make my life a lot easier to have a port.
I realized a new fear today though. I am afraid of looking sick. Right now, for the most part I look normal. I can pop in my fake boob and adjust my clothes, and I look normal to the out side world. And although I am as ready as I can be for chemo and the dreaded hair loss, I am not ready to look sick, or to have people notice that I am different. It's not just the wig, but the eyebrows and eyelashes, no matter how hard I fake it, something will look not quite right. And although I don't mind talking about it or sharing my story, it kind of brings the mood down when your at a party. I am hoping that this won't be a big deal and its just something my mind is obsessing over. And honestly, out of all the things that I have been freaking out over, this one seems like a normal problem.
I know a lot of people have thought that I have been a debbie downer lately, very sad and emotional, and I admit that I have had a difficult week, and although I am feeling a lot better, let me explain.
Last Friday, when my bad week began, my sister in law came over and she said something that summarizes exactly how I felt. She said that the world is still spinning although everything for me has come to a standstill.
And that is it, that's how I feel. I feel like everyone is on a merry go round and I have been thrown off, my life literally stopped. It became doctors appointment and cat scans and surgeries and pain meds and anxiety meds... and all in a matter of days.
And all I can do is watch everyone else go on with life, which they should, but its indescribable, not knowing what my future was going to look like, not knowing what to tell my girls, not wanting to scare my family.
And its easy to say focus on today or on the positive, but its hard when you realize that your in your early 30's and you want more than just five, ten, even twenty years. And as hard as you try, you see your kids and you think about what the future is going to look like.
So that is why I cry and I have bad days. And knowing more about my body and my scans and my overall health, I feel much better, my future looks much better, and that is why I love my oncologist, she gave me answers and knowledge. I'm going very aggressive, but I'm doing this because I want to be around for a long, long time. So yes, its going to be a tough fight, but I have the greatest support system in the world. Thank you all!
I should, I picked her, but I am so grateful that she was able to take me.
Anyhow, some good news, my scans came out all clear, which means the cancer has not spread! Prayers are working, and I say this because I had several lymph nodes involves, so its great that it did not spread.
So I am set to start chemo a week from Monday, so I think.that is the 28 th. My hair should fall out about 14 days later. But I am ready and feeling very confidant. I was told that I am otherwise in excellent health. So let's get it on, I've got my fighting gloves on and ready to win!
I'm glad the breast is gone, I know it is what needed to be done, but I still feel mutilated and deformed, and I am. Someone literally chopped my breast off and I look different, and I cry in the shower.
Thank you to everyone who is reading this blog, and for all the emails, text messages, and cards. I really do appreciate it all. I know I have been terrible at responding, I really do appreciate it.
This is the bulletin board that my 5 y/o and I have been working on. It has been a nice project for the both of us. My poor girl. She has been feeling sick and sad. Today was a good day though. I was able to help in her classroom and I think that helped her realize that I am still me. I hear her pray to Papa Dios that He "heal me and my mommy" we have a playdate scheduled for Saturday that she is excited about, and it's nice to see her excited. Henry and Angela, she is always asking to go with you guys too. She loves her Nino and Nina.
Well, thank you to everyone. Love you all!
So, not sure if I mentioned, but today I had my second drain removed, which means I can now shower, like normal. So tonight I showered and was able to put my hair fully under the shower. But let me start at the beginning. Now I'm not trying to be overly graphic, but this was my experience.
So I undressed and looked at myself for the first time, without tubes or bandages and I looked, different, but I looked ok. I then got in the shower and felt the water hit my scar, and what was weird about it was, having the water hit my body and fall straight down to my stomach, not detour down the breast to the shower floor. And to not have a nipple, but rather a sensitive scar. Then, when I shaved my legs, yes finally, to not have my boob in the way... it was different. Then I washed my scar I felt my new chest, yes it's bruised and banged up, but it's healing.
Then, I did what I have been afraid to to since my surgery, I examined my other breast. No lumps, but I had been terrified to check.
After my shower, I dried my scar and the two holes left from the drains. I then found two band aids (pretty Dora band aids) for my two holes. I then wraped myself up in a towel and brushed my teeth. As I was brushing I realized how nicely the towel fit around my body, and I realized that before, my boob were too big for the towel, now the towel wraps with room to spare, so I guess that's a plus.
I hope I have not offended anyone with my boob and nipple talk, I just wanted to remember this experience.
I've been reading a lot about the body's natural instinct to heal itself, so my positive affirmation is: I am fighting, I continue to fight. I repeat it whenever I can and try to all the time. This is my fight, and losing is not an option. I will WIN!
If anyone can think of positive affirmations, please send them to me. The problem with having time off it that it gives you lots of time to think, and I need help with positive thoughts.
Please pray for me, I am having a hard day. I finished by bulletin board and that has helped, but I need emotional, spiritual, positive strength. Pray for me and my family.
Ok, so I have gotten a lot of questions regarding how I found the lump and what it felt like. So this is just my experience I am not offering medical advise.
So I found the lump during a routine self breast examine, since my moms diagnosis I check monthly. I found it in the shower, she re-checked lying down. It was a large feeling lump, so honestly breast cancer did not cross my mind. I waited 2 weeks to see if I noticed any changes, and when it seemed the same I contacted my doctor.
Like I mentioned, it felt large, like a golf ball size, and actually felt like a golf ball, kind of hard and textured like a golf ball. Like I said it felt large, but pathology came back 2.2 cm on the larger lump. I never noticed the lump when of was smaller, but was told that is common. Also, I found the lump on my smaller breast, ladies I'm sure you understand one is always smaller, and my surgeon mentioned that she has noticed that as well, so pay extra attention on the little lady.
But please check regularly, I checked often and still these slipped by. Trust me, I know its a terrifying thought, but we can find it and kill it!
Happy thoughts! Good night to all, I really do appreciate all the comments, email, and text, they really keep my spirits up! Love you.
Knowledge is power, but it can be so very overwhelming. I just feel like have have so much information, yet I still have a million questions.
And I'm tired, and it frustrates me because I shouldn't be. I haven't started chemo, I am healthy (for the most part), yet I am tired. I know I'm probably emotionally drained, but I want to up and doing stuff. I would like to take yoga or do something somewhat active or productive, but we'll have to see how the finances work out.
Next week I have some test. I have a cat scan and a bone scan, please pray that they are clear. Continue to pray for me and my family.
When I start to get down I repeat my mantra:
May I be loved
May I be healed
May I be sheltered
May I have no fear
This has helped to get me re-focused but I just really wish that I did not have cancer.
My birthday season officially begin today with my now 11 year old! We will be having chocolate cupcakes per his request tonight, and this Saturday we will go to pirate's dinner adventure! Less than 1 month till I have a 3 year old! (and a 34 year old brother the same day) then my birthday, then my dad's big 60th (well 61 if we're being technical), then my 5 year old turns 6 year old! ending in June with my sis. Busy season!
I'm in pain! I thought I was doing better today, so I did not take my pain meds at lunch, and now I am in pain. Where the drains come out feel so tender its difficult to breathe. My mom assured me that this is normal, but I am glad I'm going in to see my doctor tomorrow. Note to self, take the meds!
Dare I say, today was a pretty normal day, even went to Target and Costco. I bought a bulletin board and hopefully tomorrow I can put it together with all the good wishes I have received.
I received an awesome email from a dear friend, who was up at 4 am! Sharing with me some visualization techniques. I know its ash Wednesday, didn't make it to get ashes, but after dinner I plan to walk to church for some time with God.
Trying to stay calm about my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. Prayers for positive results!
So it's the dark that scares me, well not the dark, but nighttime, the quiet that comes with it. That is when the "what if's" enter my mind and I panic. I don't want to write them because I don't want to give them power, but they creep up every night, between the pain meds and the anti anxiety... I think I'm going to to start guided imagery and meditation, and of course prayer has helped me. Please continue to send your positive thoughts and prayers, especially at night. Thanks!
I know he is trying to help, but his cleaning is stressing me out. He cleans in a way that makes me feel that I never do it right, that I am why the house is messy, and now I feel like I can't touch anything. He cleans loudly, slamming doors and drawers. I can see the frustration and then I feel bad.
I know it sounds bad, its probably his way of coping, blah blah blah. I should talk to him about it, but then I just feel bad again.
I wonder if he reads this blog? I really do appreciate his help. But this is life, with cancer.
Ok, so I'm having a total moment. I'm just very sad. Three and a half very ago we moved into this house, I was pregnant, I was happy. I brought home my baby and I spent so many nights breast feeding her, here in this bed, and now I lay here with no boob and I have cancer. And I'm sad.
And as I am typing this my baby just walked in to give me a big hug and a kiss.
I'm still sad, but I have that, so it can't be that bad.
So what I did not write about yesterday was about when my surgeon came in and checked my incision. I saw it. I saw me. Now I did not check it out, I could barely glaze down, but I got a glimpses of it.
Now when I was discharged, I got dressed, I had bought a new shirt pulled on some jeans, I felt I looked ok, good in fact, but when I got home I just felt tired and uncomfortable, so I changed into some pj's. Now this is when I began to struggle with my body image. When I had left the hospital I had put in my boob padding, at home while I'm pj's I thought I could take the pad off, but it looked so akward. Uneven and sad. So I put the padding back in and it helped. To go to bed I took off the pajama top and just slept in my cami with the padding in and I felt pretty normal.
Now today I took a shower, and I looked at it. My new body. And its crazy to think that just a few nights ago I was taking pictures of my boob, and now they are different. It's kind of swollen and sunken in at the same time. It weird to be so flat just on one side. And you know how they say that big boob make your waist look smaller, one big boob and no boob just make everything look weird. But I got dressed I am clean and this is just another part of the process.
To go to bed last night I said the prayer to our lady of lourdes, which has been bringing me much peace at night and listened to my music and slept very peacefully. I had this feeling that this path, I am no longer calling it a struggle, is going to lead to something greater than I can envision at this time. I think I will do something great. Not sure what it is but I am excited for my future.
Still totally shocking to say that. I am home and getting ready for bed. And its home and it is normal but honestly, I am having a difficult time understanding what that means now. I still get frustrated with the girls, and upset with the mess, but I think, should that matter, shouldn't I be happy enough just to be home. It goes back to that, I feel normal, I feel the same, but I think differently, I'm trying to learn and accept what is my path and trying to remember who I am. I know I'm rambling, I did just take my pain meds and some anti-anxiety pills so forgive me. I'm just constantly trying to process and understand, but I feel good, I feel strong. Good night I have much more to write tomorrow.
Well, I'm being discharged soon, and it is bitter sweet. I miss my girls, my home, but I am nervous to take care of myself and my girls, and home. I will have help, but you moms out there know what I mean. I have to thank my nurses and hospital staff. They were amazing. From pre-op holding to recovery to my fifth floor home, I could not have had a better group of women caring for me. And thanks again to all of my visitors, colleagues, childhood friends, and family. I don't think I have ever felted so loved and comforted. I love you all!
Thank you for all.the prayers for peace. I had a great nights sleep, first time in a while I can say that. I am still having my moments of sadness and complete disbelief, can this really be happening? But truely, deep down I feel ok. I don't feel sick, I don't feel like a cancer patient, I feel like me. And knowing that, feeling that confirms my belief that I am going to be ok.
My dear friend Anna flew in from New Mexico to surprise me. Thank you to all my great friends who helped plan this. I love you all.
Thank you to everyone that has come to visit, and for those who attempted but were turned away, I appreciate your efforts. I was very tired and in pain last night. Today I am feeling much better. Visitors still welcomed, I will be here till tomorrow.
Born April 17, 1978 but not fully developed until about 1995 and beyond, mlb was a companion to my right breast for many years. Though always the smaller of the two, mlb made its best attempts to keep up.
One funny story about mlb was on my wedding day, when I thought I could go braless with my strapless dress. While getting dressed in a public bathroom on the beach we discovered, that would not work, so my resourceful sister busted out a roll of black electrical tape from her purse and taped them up.
I always thought they were nice boobs but mlb impressed me most and showed her full potential when my daughters were born. I breast fed exclusively each daughter for 8 months, then add needed till they were 2. Mlb helped me form a bond with my babies that is indescribable, and for that I will always remember my left boob.
Almost reminds me of having a baby, I'm up every 2 hours to pee, like clockwork, also receiving pain meds about every 4 hours. I do feel like am getting good sleep in-between. I miss sleeping on my side.
No meds yet.
Tick tock... waiting till noon to head to the hospital. Longest wait, but I went to the adoration chapel at church and I am filled with calm. I have yet to take an anti anxiety pill today, so far, as good as can be.
Ready to go though. I think I have packed all I need. Pack up the girls for a fun sleeper with cousin. 10 year old will be with his mom tonight, then going skiing Sunday.
Oh and although I can not eat or drink anything, I wouldn't be able to, so it didn't matter. I'll try to write more while in pre op holding if I can, if not after surgery. Prayers and good wishes, and visual imaging of everyone attacking this cancer and scouting out any cells that have gone rogue. Thank you all.
So Henry is my big brother for those who don't know. And he loves to make speeches so of course at dinner he wanted to me a speech. I requested he not, since I am not feeling well and am very emotional, but he insisted, and of course he made me cry. Something about a purpose to this path... will be able to help others... praying for me, my husband, and kids... lots of tears pretty much only from me.
Nobody can really understand being a 30 year old mom with cancer, and I hope no one ever does.
I woke up this morning so nervous. My stomach is in knots.and my mind is racing. I can't imagine what I will feel like tomorrow morning.
May I be loved
May I be healed
May I be sheltered
May I be free from fear
A mantra a dear friend sent me.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Please sent good thoughts and happy wishes and prayers.for.peace. I feel a mess.
