So exciting

Just woke up to watch the wedding!

Wednesday

So, my sister got on my case because I have not posted in a few days. We are busy getting ready for my dad's 60th party this Saturday.

I am also very excited and obsessed over the royal wedding. Really, I'm obsessed. Right now I am watching yet another special on the couple. I even found a fabulous hat to wear while I watch the wedding! And of course I have my Kate Middleton ring. I am going to try to stay up to watch it live, but we'll see.

So right now I have a lot of distractions, which is good, because I still freak out all the time, because I really have a hard time accepting that this really is my life, and I really do have cancer. It's just really hard thinking of the future. In my head I'm trying to figure out how my body works and how I can help it work better. How I can help my body fight off cancer cells in the future, the way it should. I'm started seeing an acupunturist today and after this weeks party, before the next chemo round, I'm going to find a yoga instructor. I really think that self awareness is going to the key. I'm hopeful, so we'll see.

One tough week

Well, it has been a tough week, my energy never really was more than 25% at best, I was constantly tired and icky, still feeling icky, but at least I'm up and dressed.

I need to thank my co-room mom from my 5 y/o's class. Last Monday she brought me homemade meal for the week! She is pregnant and has 2 kids and is a scientist, and she made dinner for my family, so thank you Skyla, although I felt like crap, I know my family was well fed!

I think the being bald is also bringing me down, like I had mentioned before, at least before, even if I felt sick, I didn't look sick, now I look like I have cancer and it really messes with your head, looking sick, all the time. So today I have my wig on, and I must say, I put it on and thought, wow, I look so pretty with hair! Now, last week I just felt bad, I did not have energy for even a scarf, but today, I am really appreciating the wig.

My Good Friday

So, a while ago, I think before I was diagnosised, we (myself, husband, sister, brother, and sister-in-law) had bought concert tickets to see Mumford and Sons. Now, since my diagnosis, their song "The Cave" has become an anthem for me, so despite feeling really sick and tired, I really wanted to go to this concert. So we bundled up, packed up some folding chairs and blankets and headed out to San Pedro. And the whole time I was questioning my decision.

I have been feeling awful, weak, nauseous. On average i am losing 10 lbs from chemo Monday to chemo Friday( worry not, I gain it back in a week)but it is a rough week. So there I am bundled up at a concert, everyone around me laughing, dancing, eating, drinking, and having fun. Then the band starts, and my self pity sets in.

The why me's, I am overcome with this sense of sadness and loneliness, and I realized that I am having my Good Friday moment, not at all that I am comparing myself with Jesus, but I did feel the sense of "why have You forsaken me..." Here I am, 33 facing stage 3 cancer, and I was consumed with sadness. Then I listened to the lyrics of the song playing, a song entitled "Timshel" they are as follows:

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand
And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you

Back to sick

Today I have felt awful. Extremely tired, no appetite, no energy. Hoping to go to bed now and wake up feeling better.

Bald, in bed, but feeling better

This time appears to be going betters than last, despite the 7 hours of vomiting the first night. I still feel nauseous, but I can eat, carefully. Water makes me sick still, but I can keep down gaterade and juice. I am napping frequently, but only for like an hour, every 3-4 hours, unlike last time when I would sleep for 18 hours a day, and I am not weak and shaky when I type or walk. So yea me! Still trying to keep it easy though.

Sick...

Last night I threw up every hour on the hour for 7 hours. I woke up exhausted. I now have a headache and still feel nauseous, I am trying to drink lots of water, but even water makes me feel sick. My parents brought me some jicama, which is a starchy fruit kind of a cross between an apple and a potato, it actually is really good, and I can tolerate it even with the nausea. Hopefully I start to feel better soon.

Waiting...

So I am waiting to start chemo #2. I had my blood drawn and am now waiting to see my doctor before chemo. I thought I wasn't nervous but my hands are shaking as I am typing... hopefully now that I know what to expect, I will be more prepared for the next few days.

Happy Birthday to me

Look at me

Going out with just a scarf. The car thermometer says 95 degrees, I think it's wrong, but either way it's too hot for a wig, so I am heading out with a scarf and some new makeup on.

My new hair

Although not the most comfortable option and I feel like I look like I'm wearing a wig, I like the way I look better with hair.

Ok, I'm ready to talk

So, we did it. Me along with a dozen friends and family members chopped off my hair first, then shaved off the rest. It was unbelievably emotional. Thank you to my friend Drea who was talking me through the whole thing. As hard as it was, I can not express how much I appreciated everyone being there. The kids were all there and did really well. The 2 older ones, a friend, and my 3 y/o niece even helped with the cutting. Actually, I think everyone there took a turn at being a hair dresser. FYI they learned it's harder than it appears.
So now I am alone. I took a shower and it was strange, the sound the water makes when it hits your scalp and not your hair, and how cold your head gets in the shower when the water is not hitting it. When I came out, despite having taken anxiety medication and not having my glasses on, my reflection made me have a panic attack. I broke down crying and was not able to breath. Keep in mind, I am literally blind without glasses, but not seeing anything on my head, I could not deal. So I cried, and cried, still kind of crying now, but what can I do. Fortunately my wig looks really good. Tomorrow is another day, so I am going to try to get some sleep. My 5 y/o and I are planning on working on her birthday party invites tomorrow, proving that life goes on.
BTW my husband had to work tonight, hence me being alone right now. He knows I shaved my head, but we could use overtime money, once again proving life goes on.

No words...

Hairs thinning quickly

Although I still look like I have a good amount of hair, it is thinning quickly. I think I will shave it tomorrow evening, 7ish. Text me if you would like to come and what time works best for you.

This mornings hair loss

I know, kind of gross, but this is the hair I have lost so far this morning! My scalp continues to hurt and at any given time I can pull out a handful of hair. I still have a lot, but it seems to be coming out fast. May have to shave it ne tomorrow night...

Still have hair

So it's falling quickly, but I still have a good amount of hair. I don't want to take a shower because I hear the the heat opens your pores and makes the hair fall out faster. I'm afraid to touch my hair. My scalp aches. But as of tonight I still have a good about of hair, tomorrow may be another story...

Handfuls of hair

I'm sad, but I knew it was coming. This morning when combing my hair I was able to remove handfuls of hair. I have been told that this will go on for days before it is noticeable thinner, I guess we'll see. Looks like I may be bald on my birthday. I am sad and terrified.

My Good Wishes

When my mom was diagnosed I scoured the internet for information and resources. One of the things I found was a website www.franceluxe.com. They sell beautiful scarves and hair accessories and they provide women and children losing hair due to illness with a free scarf. They sent my mom one a year ago, and today I received mine. It's a beautiful silk pink peacock print. The also send a get well card hand signed by everyone in their office.

Please check out their site.

My pen pal

So, I have mentioned before this site that has helped me called her2support.org, well through there I met a women who has been a great support and friend. She is about 8 months ahead of me treatment wise, she just finished her last radiation. She has 3 daughters ages 4, 6, and 9, so you can see where she has been able to provide support. Our cancers are similar, although mine is a bit more aggressive, and likewise our treatments. She too describes her husband as "an ostrich" sticking his head in the sand when he can not deal. And although I so very much appreciate all of the support I receive from family and friends, it kind of nice to have this semi anonymous friend who has walked in my shoes.

And on the note of my fabulous family and friends, I need to acknowledge and recognize my brother and sister-in-law who have taken my girls every friday night since before chemo, my sister who takes off every Wednesday so that my little one can continue with gymboree, my parents who house my the week of chemo, and my husband who took me out to dinner tonight.

And all of my wonderful friends, get you scissors and wine  ready because my hair is due to fall out sometime next week...

Summer dresses

So today I went shopping. Started off kind of bummed out having to return some things I had bought pre mastectomy, but I figured, oh well I can use some extra money, so I headed out to start my returns. Turns out I had lost my receipt so I could only exchange. I was dreading having to try on anything. But I ended up buying 4 really cute summer dresses (picked out by my girls). Now I'm not big on summer dresses, but they make me feel pretty and girly, and yes I spent a little more money than I should of, but I like my dresses. My girls also got pretty new dresses, and we all got new sandles.

Kind of a bummer

Realized today that I have lost my sense of taste. I had kind of notices yesterday, but thought it was because I had not eaten in a while, but today I confirmed that, not only can I not taste anything, but my tongue and teeth are a little numb. I sucks because I crave food, but I can't taste it.

Talking to the wall

So yea me I'm feeling good, and I don't like to write a lot about my husband, but it's like talking to a wall. I tried to talk to him about my doctor's appointment and the problems they had trying to get my blood, and literally, as I am talking he starts talking to the kids about something else. I don't think he heard anything I had to say. Now I try not to bombard him with too much information, or really anything negative, but this was good news, it was a good visit, and he ignored what I was saying.

Now I know this is a lot for him, we never thought I would get sick, let alone have cancer. I do better with stress and illness, and sad to say, but we always assumed I would take care of him someday, so I understand that this is more than he ever expected to handle, but he can't just check out. I am stressed all the time, I worry all the time, I think about cancer 95% of my day, and I keep going because I have to. He can a least pretend to listen the few times I try to talk to him about it.

Feeling good, really

So today I felt good. I had an appetite and energy. And I saw my doctor so that she could check my white blood count, and after 5 hours of trying, long story, my blood count came out really good, which means I am pretty healthy and my body is recovering really well, so, yeah me!

My baby turns three!

My baby turned three yesterday, and I was too exhausted to blog about it. Even now, I am exhausted, it literally takes all of my strength to get up to go to the bathroom and get back to bed. I am hoping to start regaining some energy soon.

So my baby turned 3 yesterday. We had a small birthday party for her at the house and Cinderella came to visit. She was so happy and excited all day. Thankfully my family and our sitter were there to help because I wouldn't have gotten anything done. My baby was so cute. She picked out this big chocolate cake and did so well with everyone singing. Then later when she opened presents, she was excited with each gift, taking time to comment on each, like "yeah! New princess chonies."

I remember when my 5 year old turned three, the baby had just been born, and I remember thinking this is the last baby year, after this they are big girls. I hope I am able to remember this year and this time. She is my baby, my last baby and wow so they grow up fast.

Meet Chuck

Our new "therapy" puppy that my dad bought yesterday. He had been looking for a new dog to go with the new house. Yesterday we came across this little guy and fell in love. My mom had insisted no dog, but took one look at him and named him Chuck. He is adapting really well to having all the kids around. He is a yellow lab. I'll try for a better pic, but its hard, he's an active little guy!