Not looking forward to chemo tomorrow, but I am a little excited to go into work. So, I have by blood draw at 2, appt with my doctor at 3, and chemo at 4. Hopefully I can get into chemo a bit sooner than 4, I miss work and all, but I don't want to be there too late...
Tonight I enjoyed a loud evening out with old friends and all of our kids, they are a loud group, the kids I mean, but I'm glad we had fun, and it was a good distraction.
So what should have been a chemo Monday turned out to be a relaxing 24 hour beach get away. Yesterday we packed up the girls and headed to Newport for the night. We stayed at the Hyatt. We were foodies looking on yelp for good meals. We spent some time on Balboa island, and of course hit the beach. The water was bone chilling cold, but the weather was great. We ended the long weekend with a bbq at my parents with my brother and sister and their families. Hopefully these extra 2 days until chemo will strengthen me enough to be able to tolerate the chemo a little better. This will be the last of the "red devil" yea!
So, tonight I pretended to brush my hair, I closed my eyes and tried to remember what it felt like.
I know that I used to blog at least once a day, sometimes more, I now try for twice a week, but it does not mean that this has gotten easier for me. I feel like I still eat, breathe, and sleep cancer, not a hour goes by where I don't think about it. It is my everyday. And the shock has still not worn off, can you believe I have cancer!?
I do feel that I am coping better. I know my routine for now... chemo, sick for 8-9 days, better for the remainder of the days, then chemo again.
A chemo update, my next chemo will be next Wednesday as opposed to Monday (memorial day) after that, 3 weeks off, as usual, then weekly chemo for 12 weeks- a different drug combo, whose side effects should be milder...
Hopefully, because summer vacation is coming fast and I have the summer off! I'm hoping to have the energy to do something fun with the kids.
Prayers and positive thoughts always welcomed.
Up late watching "the office" realizing, that I really miss working, and all of my co-workers. So hi to all my kpeople who reads this, miss you guys. Think of me when you see the hummus guy on Friday!
So finally feeling good, really happy that a good friend gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl today!
Also, I joined the gym. As you know, have have been wanting yoga, and found a good deal through the city, but Monday I slept through it, and there was an issue with child care, of course, my parents could watch my 3 y/o, but I hate asking them to do more than they already do. So last night, at midnight, I thought, I can join the gym. Through work I get a good discount, so monthly is less than the yoga classes, plus I can walk, which is what I need to be doing to strengthen my heart. And child care is $2 for 2 hours! So I went today, signed up, then walked for an hour. Doesn't sound like much, but the chemo really takes a toll on my heart, walking the my bedroom can get me winded! So, yeah me, and now I have somewhere to go during the day, it can get very boring at home.
So yes, my baby turned six on Wednesday, but six years ago today I awoke to find the my "milk had come in." My poor baby, I was so engorged I could not feed her, now let me brag a bit, for having one boob gone and another on its way out, during their prime I sure could produce milk. I was like a human cow, producing ounces of milk!
So back to 6 years ago, I woke up with my 3 day old baby unable to get her to latch, so off to Target we went to buy a pump, it was our first trip out, just the 2 of us, I had no idea how to attach her car seat to the shopping cart, so I took the strolled in to discover that now I had no where to put the stuff I was buying, so I balanced the pump on top the the handle of the car seat, then so overwhelmed, I forgot to completely buckle my baby into the car... oops. But it was me and her, and although we had no idea what we were doing, we got by. And I so treasure those times together, just me and her, late night feeding, early mornings, napping whenever, wherever. And yes I had a husband and family around to help, but she was mine.
I love and treasure both my girls, and my little one is my happiness, my silly, my soul, and whatever life has and will throw at me, those little girls are my life, my reason for being born. And as I remember those first days as a mom, (and hear my girls fighting in the background as I type), I am reminded, losing is not an option!
Can't think, can't type, can't talk, can't anything. My stomach is burning. I feel like I have coins shoved up my sinus cavity, all I can taste or smell is metal. I'm exhausted.
I love the lyrics to this song:
Watch "BRIT AWARDS 2011 Mumford & Sons-Timshel" on YouTube
It's not as bad as it sound, the next chemo will finish my 4 cycles of AC (the of drug) this cycle will take a total of 12 weeks, so I am more than have way done. Immediately following I will begin a 12 week cycle of taxol and herceptin. The taxol will be weekly for 12 weeks and the herceprin will be every 3 weeks for a year. The herceptin in not a type of chemo, it is a drug to Target only my overproduction of Her2.
But I feel awful. My stomach feels hot inside, I have this.wired.sinus thing I get, almost like it opens up too much and to much cold.air rushes into my brain. And I can taste the chemo in my mouth and back of my throat. And I'm weak. All together not a good combination. I did go to accupunture today, and I will go.again on Wednesday. I need to.feel better so I can by ly 5y/o a birthday outfit!
I'm also really hoping a get a disability check soon. It's over 2 weeks late, but you can't inquire unless its o er 21 days late. That sucks, I have house payment, student loans, credit card bills, my baby's birthday party. Again reminding me.that the merry go round of life keeps spinning, and I just can't get back on.
Thank you all who read this, and if you pray, please continue to pray for me and my family. Pray that this is my one and only fight with cancer and that it ends with me (victorious), that my daughters never have to know this challenge from the inside. Pray that in 20+ years I and watching my grandbabies. this is what I pray for.
Just picked up my girls after a call from my sister-in-law saying that they missed me and wanted to come home.
So my husband has been in Vegas for work, hmmm, and the kids gave been begging for a sleepover with their cousin, so tonight I have been alone. I made myself some salmon, which the kids would have complained about, and caught up with my dvr. Now its time for bed and I miss my girls. My 3 y/o likes to stay up, late, and as much as it drives me crazy, I miss her getting out of bed saying, "i have a question..." I think alone time is over rated. I miss my family. Tomorrow might be a different story, but tonight, I miss them.
Oh, and I have been having this kind of anticipatory sickness. I have chemo this Monday, and I have been feeling sick- nauseous and fatigue, I can taste the chemo in my mouth, I can smell it... I have accupunture scheduled for Monday, after chemo and Wednesday. I am really hoping that it will help with the side effects. I also found a yoga class! Through the city of glendora, twice a week for a little over $60 for 6 weeks. My accupunturist suggested tai chi, which is also offered through the city! So I will start yoga on the 16th and tai chi in June.
Since I've been busy, I haven't had a lot of me time, which is good, because me time often makes me think, and thinking too much makes me sad. The weekend left me pretty exhausted, and yesterday international news made me anxious about retaliation, and when you already have anxiety, news like that can send your thoughts into a tailspin. I almost wanted to keep the kids home from school, but I realized that it would be ok and sent them to school. I need to be careful though because, I do see my anxiety rubbing off on my 5 y/o.
It's been almost 2 months since my surgery but tonight I cried, not because I missed my hair (which sounds vain, but is the #2 trigger for crying after my girls) but because I really missed my breast. And I so avoid looking at my chest and my remaining breast. And I know I am going to lose my right breast, so in a strange way I have been avoiding it. But tonight, I remembered breast feeding my babies and the dreaded bathing suit seasons when at least my boobs looked good. And I miss looking like I used to.
So it went great, bu let me start a year ago, when my dad turned 60, our plan was always to have a big 60th birthday party, but when my mom was diagnosed last year, we decided to postpone the party, so as early as January I began the party plans, then come late February, and I get diagnosed. My family toyed with the idea of canceling the party, but we decided to throw it anyway. and tonight we pulled it off. Without any compromises, just as I had envisioned it! Lots of foods, a giant cake, candy bar, 2 bands, photographer, a massage therapist, unlimited drinks, excellent outdoor lighting, and most important, lots of family and friends! I think every idea that had ever crossed my dad's mind for his 60th we were able to achieve. We even got 60 candles on the cake! I will try to add pictures when I get them.
And quite proud of myself, I made most of the food and the cake! amazing how much of a difference a week makes, last Sunday I couldn't stay awake for dinner, and this week I catered a party with 80+ guest. next week I will do as much prep work as I can for my 5 y/o birthday party, which will fall the weekend after chemo, my most difficult week. At least I know this next week should be good, lunch anyone?
