New hair, old me

So, I have looked more like me for a while. My hair had grown back, my scars have healed (and are mostly hidden), I no longer look like I had cancer. But when I looked in the mirror, all I would see was my bad hair. My ugly post cancer, post chemo hair.

I have said it before, for me, the worst part of cancer treatment was losing my hair. It was more traumatizing than losing by breasts or my ovaries. And as grateful as I have been for more longer being bald, my hair was awful. It was frizzy and coarse. I have been pulling it back into a tiny bobby pined  ponytail for weeks because it has been so unmanageable.

But that all changed on Tuesday when my mom offered to help me pay for a Brazillian blowout. Now my hair looks and feels beautiful and healthy. Even my husband noticed. My daughter said I look like I did before. I now look in the mirror, I see me, the old, undamaged me but with a new appreciation of life.

Well I made it to March 4. Two years ago today I had my first mastectomy. Last year, this week of my cancerversay was tough. I was afraid that it would bring up a lot of emotions again this year, but I have been quite busy and haven't really had time to think about it. Back then I felt like the world had stopped moving for me. The rest of the world was moving forward, but I had stopped. Now I'm in full swing.




What I find though is that people say, "Wow, two years, that has flown by!" But not to me, for me it has been a long 2 years. I have described it like rowing in the mud. I know that I am moving forward, but slowly. And I think it is because when you have cancer, you want to get to that 5 year mark. That magical 5 years cancer free, when your "chance for survival "goes up. Then there is also the fact that you want to hold on to each day, because no one is guaranteed another one. I just can't wait to be a seventy year old lady with my grandchildren around me and years of memories...

Chugging along

Well, I'm holding up, doing pretty good actually. Luckily I am very busy with my 3 kids. Girl scouts, Boy Scouts, softball, piano, essays, book reports, book fair, parent teacher conferences, little boys birthday... and it's only Wednesday! But it has all kept my mind off of my cancerversary. I still have my moments, but like many of by breast cancer sisters told me, they become few and far between, and it's amazing to me that point where cancer does not consume my every moment. I still can not go back and read my blog post from 2 years ago, but I can make it through a day without tears.

Ignorance was bliss

Two years ago today, I didn't know there was a time bomb inside of me.

I didn't know the world of anti anxiety medication, monthly blood draws, and multiple surgeries.

I have trying to keep busy and not pay attention to the fact that tomorrow is "cancerversary" but it looms in the corner. Flashbacks. Sadness. Fear.

And I'm so overwhelmed with emotions. I know I haven't blogged in a while, but for the next few days, I think this again will be my outlet.

I survived #6

And all appears to be well. Just some pain and discomfort. But only I could go on for a boob job and come out with a corneal abrasion! Apparently, something got onto my right eye before they takes it shut and caused a small scratch. Nothing serious, it will just be irritated for a day or row. Just another thing to add to the list of bad that hurt. But I am thankful that it's done and feel blessed to be home!

Pre op holding

Hope the docs are well rested!

Twas the night before surgery, take 6.

So, going in tomorrow at 5:30am for surgery number 6. Nothing too drastic, just removing my tissue expanders and replacing them with actual implants, then removing chemo port. But, I am scared. I don't want to die, I don't want anything to go wrong. My littlest was crying tonight saying, please don't have surgery tomorrow, and it kind of freaked me out. I know she's four, so of course she doesn't want me to go to the hospital, and in her mind surgery means staying over night, but I assured her that I will be home tomorrow afternoon. I just want to be done, and over this whole cancer thing. But I know it will always be a part of me, a part of my life, and I pray every night that my girls don't have the gene, and that regardless of if they do or don't, that we find a cure. Eleven years till my oldest can be tested, 11 years to find that cure!

My new do

So yay, I have hair, the problem is (although I am totally grateful that I am not bald) that, yes it seems like I have longish hair in the back, maybe a good four inches, I also only have four inches of hair on the top. So I have like two haircuts, kind of a shag look going on. And unfortunately a lot of the ends still have that post chemo frizz that I am still not ready to cut, as it would make my hair a good inch shorter. So I have tried unsuccessfully to straighten it with a flat iron, and while it looks ok, it kind of accentuates the frizz and uneven haircut. So finally I gave in to the curl. My mom did this during her growing out stage and it seemed to work for her, so know I'm giving it a try. And I must say, not bad. I do feel like I look a lot like my mom with this hair, but it's something different and not too time consuming, so I'll give it a try.