And all appears to be well. Just some pain and discomfort. But only I could go on for a boob job and come out with a corneal abrasion! Apparently, something got onto my right eye before they takes it shut and caused a small scratch. Nothing serious, it will just be irritated for a day or row. Just another thing to add to the list of bad that hurt. But I am thankful that it's done and feel blessed to be home!
So, going in tomorrow at 5:30am for surgery number 6. Nothing too drastic, just removing my tissue expanders and replacing them with actual implants, then removing chemo port. But, I am scared. I don't want to die, I don't want anything to go wrong. My littlest was crying tonight saying, please don't have surgery tomorrow, and it kind of freaked me out. I know she's four, so of course she doesn't want me to go to the hospital, and in her mind surgery means staying over night, but I assured her that I will be home tomorrow afternoon. I just want to be done, and over this whole cancer thing. But I know it will always be a part of me, a part of my life, and I pray every night that my girls don't have the gene, and that regardless of if they do or don't, that we find a cure. Eleven years till my oldest can be tested, 11 years to find that cure!
So yay, I have hair, the problem is (although I am totally grateful that I am not bald) that, yes it seems like I have longish hair in the back, maybe a good four inches, I also only have four inches of hair on the top. So I have like two haircuts, kind of a shag look going on. And unfortunately a lot of the ends still have that post chemo frizz that I am still not ready to cut, as it would make my hair a good inch shorter. So I have tried unsuccessfully to straighten it with a flat iron, and while it looks ok, it kind of accentuates the frizz and uneven haircut. So finally I gave in to the curl. My mom did this during her growing out stage and it seemed to work for her, so know I'm giving it a try. And I must say, not bad. I do feel like I look a lot like my mom with this hair, but it's something different and not too time consuming, so I'll give it a try.
The tragedy in Newtown, CT has me in tears. I can not comprehend why this has happened. This post is not about my fight or anything to do with breast cancer, but this blog has been my therapy, and right now I need therapy. Hearing the details make me sick. 20 babies, shot, crying, screaming, it is not ok and how can I be ok. I am struggling to be ok, my girls, so innocent, know nothing about what has happened, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I am sad, heartbroken, and I feel so guilty. Guilty that my kids are safe, guilty when I get mad because their rooms are a mess. Guilty because I am a mom, who still has my kids to hug. But I see on tv that it's us, the adults who are all feeling this guilt, carrying the weight of this tragedy while protecting our children from the news, because, why do my 4 and 7 year old need to know that someone would do this at a school? So I carry this sadness, and I cry with the door closed, and I hug them extra tight as they sleep. I pray for the families, the town, the mom's that lost their babies, and I promise to hug mine extra tight and kiss them and tell them I love them...
So tonight we went to the Mumford and sons concert. It was amazing. The thing with Mumford is that their music was the music of my treatment. From surgery to cat scans to chemo, their music got me through it. Their songs bring me peace, but also take me back to that dark time, but somehow make me feel whole. We went to their concert a few days after my second chemo treatment, and I was so sick and sad, but their song timshel spoke to me and really defined my journey at that moment. I love this band, and their music will always have a special place in my soul.
This video is so real and honest. It's a feeling you never forget and no matter how prepared you are, it's terrifying.
Watch "Diem Brown Films Her Hair Loss After Cancer Treatment" on YouTube
Amazing, inspirational, emotional. Thank you H and A for being by my side all weekend. Thank you to everyone who donated for the cause.
So this will be my third year participating in the Avon walk for breast cancer. I will not be walking, but will be on the crew that assists with the event. This is always a rewarding, emotional, and inspirational weekend for me. Thank you for everyone who has supported me. There is still time to donate for those who wish to: http://info.avonfoundation.org/goto/anise
And my hair hates me. Seriously, it is like a brillo pad on my head. The only way to tame it is with about 30 bobby pins and that just makes it presentable, doesn't even look good... I don't know what to do with it.
