My heart is breaking

The tragedy in Newtown, CT has me in tears. I can not comprehend why this has happened. This post is not about my fight or anything to do with breast cancer, but this blog has been my therapy, and right now I need therapy. Hearing the details make me sick. 20 babies, shot, crying, screaming, it is not ok and how can I be ok. I am struggling to be ok, my girls, so innocent, know nothing about what has happened, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I am sad, heartbroken, and I feel so guilty. Guilty that my kids are safe, guilty when I get mad because their rooms are a mess. Guilty because I am a mom, who still has my kids to hug. But I see on tv that it's us, the adults who are all feeling this guilt, carrying the weight of this tragedy while protecting our children from the news, because, why do my 4 and 7 year old need to know that someone would do this at a school? So I carry this sadness, and I cry with the door closed, and I hug them extra tight as they sleep. I pray for the families, the town, the mom's that lost their babies, and I promise to hug mine extra tight and kiss them and tell them I love them...

Mumford

So tonight we went to the Mumford and sons concert. It was amazing. The thing with Mumford is that their music was the music of my treatment. From surgery to cat scans to chemo, their music got me through it. Their songs bring me peace, but also take me back to that dark time, but somehow make me feel whole. We went to their concert a few days after my second chemo treatment, and I was so sick and sad, but their song timshel spoke to me and really defined my journey at that moment. I love this band, and their music will always have a special place in my soul.

What it's like to lose your hair after chemo

This video is so real and honest. It's a feeling you never forget and no matter how prepared you are, it's terrifying.

Watch "Diem Brown Films Her Hair Loss After Cancer Treatment" on YouTube

Avon Walk 2012

Amazing, inspirational, emotional. Thank you H and A for being by my side all weekend. Thank you to everyone who donated for the cause.

It's Avon walk time again!

So this will be my third year participating in the Avon walk for breast cancer. I will not be walking, but will be on the crew that assists with the event. This is always a rewarding, emotional, and inspirational weekend for me. Thank you for everyone who has supported me. There is still time to donate for those who wish to: http://info.avonfoundation.org/goto/anise

I hate my hair...

And my hair hates me. Seriously, it is like a brillo pad on my head. The only way to tame it is with about 30 bobby pins and that just makes it presentable, doesn't even look good... I don't know what to do with it.

I know, it's been a while

So its been a while... The kids have been in school for 3 weeks now, work is work and everything is as it's supposed to be. But today I was picking up my husband from the airport and I drove by the hospital where I received radiation and I got all choked up. A year ago I was driving there daily. And I feel so much better and I look so much better (despite my frizzy hair) and in my head I am the same person I was before cancer and then I remember everything I went through, and I still can't believe that it happened to me.

Back to Powell

Does this mean things are back to normal? We made it back to Lake Powell this year after a 2 year hiatus. In spite on the storms, both wind and sand, it was a great trip. Just to be in the water with the views of Glen Canyon, we were back. I loved it, watching my kids play in the sand and water all day, sleeping in bathing suits, napping on a boat ride... I can't wait till next year.

Me at midnight

So I've been having trouble sleeping, again, I am tired all day but can't seem to fall asleep at night. Racing thoughts of things I have to do, things I want to do, things I should do... And I'm trying not to take the anxiety pills daily, and really I don't think they are working that well anymore, so here I am at 12:30 and one of the things on my to do list was to check in on my blog.

So here is a picture of me, I realize that I have not put one up in a while. Keep in mind it is midnight and I have no make up on, as you can see my hair is growing. It's actually pretty awful. I have read post chemo hair described as fluff on a baby chick... New fine baby hair... And cute as it sounds, it is like having a cotton ball on your head, a fluffy, no body, all texture mess. Right now it's not as bad as it usually is, I've been trying an array of concoctions to tame it. Everything from frizz ease, to gel, to pomade, to fabric softener... Tonight I tried baby oil and so far it is working the best, but I'll have to wait and see in the morning.

I am excited that in just over a week we will make our own return to Lake Powell!

Tonight coming home from dinner with my mom, we were talking about the day I was diagnosed and, the feeling never goes away. She said that with her cancer, she knew. She had the lump for nearly a year, she felt it get bigger and change. When the doctor told her it was cancer, she already knew. But for be, it was a complete shock, for all of us. And that shock is still with me today. I don't think it goes away.

Refuge in refugio

http://instagr.am/p/MzqMtdCGFB/
Shadows on the tent

So we made it home from vacation #1 refugio state beach near Santa Barbara . It was nice and peaceful. We camped out near the beach, rode the bikes, took the kayaks out, made smores... Relaxed family time. And it was cold! It's been in the 90's here in the LA area, but low 70's where we were.

But now we're home dealing with unpacking and laundry... Ugh...