Here we go again...

Pre op holding.

OK, breakdown in the shower

Had a little meltdown in the shower, I just got sad again. Silly or not, I said goodbye to my breast. I remember nursing my girls, my milk coming in, they served me well and did a great job, and I'm sad to lose something that is so closely linked to my babies. And tonight my girls said goodbye to their boppy too. It was their one reassurance throughout this past year, they would always say we still have one boppy. So I got sad.

Another mastectomy

So tomorrow I will have another mastectomy, my right noncancerous breast. I'm a little anxious, but not to bad, probably the most calm before a surgery. I will go in tomorrow at 8:30 for surgery ay 11:30am. Surgery should take about 4 hours (simple mastectomy with beginning of reconstruction to both sides) and I should be discharged by noon on Wednesday. I'll update after surgery.

Stronger

Today I felt the wind blow through my hair! Click here to view my thank you video

Thankful and Happy

Sunday

I made it through the weekend, kept busy, but I did it. I'm not sure how this next week will go, I had my mastectomy on March 6th of last year, but again in my head it was a Friday, so I don't know of Friday will be a hard day. I am busy though, girl scout cookies came in today, so if you ordered, I'll be busy trying to get your order to you! :)

Saturday

No tears today. I kept very busy, completely reorganization the girl's room, hit up Target for some retail therapy, although I did not buy myself anything :( picked up lots of stuff to help organize the room, a gift for my nephew who turns 3 tomorrow, and a couple of cute things for the girls to wear. Hopefully I go to sleep easily, busy day tomorrow!

Cancer-versary

So, I thought I was ready, I thought I was strong, but I am having a really hard time tonight. Today is my 1 year cancer-anniversary . I am sad and moody, and I cry, and I feel like I am being mean to my girls, and I'm scared, all over again. But in a different way from last year. I find myself crying, uncontrollably sobbing, and I keep reliving that day, I hear it over and over again, "it's cancer", and I mourn the innocence I had, the carefree life of not worrying about the cancer coming back, or worse passing some horrible, mean, unfair gene. I miss just worrying about money and cleaning, now I worry about the regular everyday stuff, plus all the crazy in my head. I miss my breast, I miss my ovaries. I know with time it will get better, I will get better, stronger, but for today and for now, I'm... I don't know...

Thursday...

This is just a strange, difficult week for me. So a year ago today, Thursday I was told I had cancer. And it's weird now, I'm in a good place and I am doing well, but how easily I can close my eyes and go back there. Every second, every feeling, I remember it all like it just happened. I close my eyes and I am a scared 32 year old who has to tell her family that she has breast cancer. I close my eyes and I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe. I remember all of it, what I did, who I told, going out to dinner with my brother and his wife and all the kids, all of us scared, but not talking about it. I remember it all.

A year ago to-day, (not to date) I had my first (and probably last) mammogram. A year ago today, I did not know I had cancer. Everything was still normal a year ago, and today is the last day that I can say that.