Marriage

I have been married now for about 6 1/2 years and I can definitely see the whole grass is always greener on the other side. Now I am not saying that I want to be single, more that marriage is hard work. I know very few people who like being married all the time, I think realistically we all know that there are good days and bad days, and it sometimes feels like more bad days, waiting for the good.

Now, nothing in particular happened to make me write this, I actually can't sleep, but am really tired so I decided to blog.

So back to this marriage is hard, now try throwing cancer into the mix. Like I have mentioned before, sad to say, but we always assumed my husband would get sick, way later in life, and I would take care of him. It's in my nature, but for me to get sick really test the whole sickness and health, richer or poorer part of our vows. It was hard when I felt like crap and could not do anything, and it's hard when I look, feel, and act ok, because really, I am never 100%. I have been better at letting him know when I just don't feel good, or am tired, but it's hard because I know he works long hard days and is also tired all the time. And I feel bad because I am so differed from the carefree recent college graduate he married. I am bald, and deformed, and weak, and tired, and sadder, and now to reframe, I know that I am also more hopeful, determined, motivated, and appreciative of a lot of things than I used to be. I value every moment spent with family and friends, I really do stop to smell the flowers, or watch the clouds move across the sky, but again I am different, and I know as we get older, we grow and evolve, and if I am being truly honest, it's my looks that bother me the most, and I know most are just temporary, but I am bald, and am missing a breast, and I never really look like the person he married. And it has to bother him, even if it's just a little.

On a positive note, yesterday my daughters and I went swimming and we were all changing into bathing suits when my 6 year old look at my chest and said, "mommy, I am not used to your scar yet, but I accept it now." My girls look at me and see mommy, despite my changes :)