Children are a gift...

and we are blessed by each one.

Palm Springs

Short get away, eating breakfast with my girls. Already very hot! Spent yesterday at the spa, had a soak in healing mineral tub and detoxifying mud scrub. Had a great dinner poolside.

Happy Birthday Anna!

Post surgery March 2011
Vegas, October 1999.
Love you girl!

(in Vegas pic from l to r Nichole, Anna, me, Kathy)

I strange realization

I've noticed recently that I always have a runny, but dry nose. I thought it was the weather, but then I realized that I've lost my nose hair! My eyebrows and eyelashes have been thinning, but I never really look at my nose hair... so who knew, nose hairs do serve a purpose.

Happy 4th!

Getting ready to tailgate at the Angeles game. Hopefully it's not too hot.

I'm feeling good, a little tired, I've been having a hard time falling asleep, last night I felt a little sad, again, just stuck thinking of how different I am and will be physically, which I know is minor in the whole scheme of things, but when I really think about reconstruction, and the fact that I won't have any feeling or sensation over the entire breast, its not just a boob job, I don't know, its's a long way off, but there's always something...

But for today, I get to spend time with family, eating good food, (ribs and lobster tails!) and enjoying life.

My little swimmers

My chemo treats

Every time I have a chemo appt there are 2 treats that I know I will always get. The first is a tradition my sister started with my mom, and that is to write a short note of encouragement and slip it in her purse before chemo to have something positive to read. Now it's my turn, and every chemo I look forward to read the card she picked out. (fyi trader does has a great selection of encouragement cards).

My second treat is a spin on something we did for my mom that my co workers were aware of and now do it for me. So after every chemo I get a beaded bracelet.

6 down, 10 to go. Seems like a lot, but the first 4 equal the same about of weeks as the last 12, so over half way done with chemo!

Marriage

I have been married now for about 6 1/2 years and I can definitely see the whole grass is always greener on the other side. Now I am not saying that I want to be single, more that marriage is hard work. I know very few people who like being married all the time, I think realistically we all know that there are good days and bad days, and it sometimes feels like more bad days, waiting for the good.

Now, nothing in particular happened to make me write this, I actually can't sleep, but am really tired so I decided to blog.

So back to this marriage is hard, now try throwing cancer into the mix. Like I have mentioned before, sad to say, but we always assumed my husband would get sick, way later in life, and I would take care of him. It's in my nature, but for me to get sick really test the whole sickness and health, richer or poorer part of our vows. It was hard when I felt like crap and could not do anything, and it's hard when I look, feel, and act ok, because really, I am never 100%. I have been better at letting him know when I just don't feel good, or am tired, but it's hard because I know he works long hard days and is also tired all the time. And I feel bad because I am so differed from the carefree recent college graduate he married. I am bald, and deformed, and weak, and tired, and sadder, and now to reframe, I know that I am also more hopeful, determined, motivated, and appreciative of a lot of things than I used to be. I value every moment spent with family and friends, I really do stop to smell the flowers, or watch the clouds move across the sky, but again I am different, and I know as we get older, we grow and evolve, and if I am being truly honest, it's my looks that bother me the most, and I know most are just temporary, but I am bald, and am missing a breast, and I never really look like the person he married. And it has to bother him, even if it's just a little.

On a positive note, yesterday my daughters and I went swimming and we were all changing into bathing suits when my 6 year old look at my chest and said, "mommy, I am not used to your scar yet, but I accept it now." My girls look at me and see mommy, despite my changes :)

Baby picture

My mom told me today that while sorting through old pictures she found a picture of me when I was about 4 months old. She said it made her sad because my chest was exposed and you could see my nipples. And she thought, how could we have known so long ago that one day I would lose my breast to cancer. That innocent picture of a happy baby. And I get it. I look at my girls chest with fear all the time. And although I have so much hope for the future and what medicine has in store, I will always be a little fearful. And as I sit here writing this I am watching my girls sleep, so peacefully. And I cry, because I am still terrified. And I feel that is I hold them close to me, my body will remember what it is fighting for, they are still babies, my babies, and they need me. Me!

Still feeling not sick

But I need to remind myself that I am still under treatment. I kept a pretty busy schedule yesterday, and at the end if the night I had a panic attack. I went numb all over and I couldn't breath... I couldn't move. After laying down for 10 min I felt a little better. But totally exhausted. But again today, I got up with a full schedule of things to do, and at about 3pm I was done, not literally with my to do list, but my body said stop, so I took a nap. So the house didn't get completely clean, and only half the laundry is done, but no panic attack.