and so it begins

Wow, how 1 week can change your life. So it actually began about 3 weeks ago, when I discovered a large lump in my left breast. I was not really concerned, yes my mom just had breast cancer, but I had been assured that it was very unlikely that I would get it. I was actually advised to begin regular mammograms at 40. So in my mind I either just had lumpy breast, or maybe a leftover infection from breast feeding.

So last week I emailed my doctor how advised me to make an appointment right away. Tuesday was my next day off, so I went in. My doctor was not too worried, but ordered a mammogram and ultrasound just in case. On Wednesday I went in and had both. I became a little concerned reading the body language of my techs who administered both test, but when I was sent home I figured everything was ok. I consulted with my mom who said if they did not do a needle biopsy and mark my lump, it should be ok, so I didn't worry.

On Thursday at 9am I got a call from a radiologist asking if I could come in ASAP for a biopsy and to mark my lump. My heart sank, I called my mom, and off we went. The whole time still thinking," there is no way this is cancer, my mom just went through this less than a year ago, there is no way we could both have breast cancer, especially with no family history." They took me in right away and the chief of radiology preformed the biopsy. Then I asked, "so what else could it be aside from cancer." That is when I saw her face, she shook her head no, and said "nothing, there is nothing else it could be..." I kind of went into a fog after that hearing only every other word, I remember that after the doctor left I was shaking, and the nurse asked me "are you going to break down now" Still in a fog I kept thinking, "is there anyway I can be dreaming, this can not be real." I walked out, probably pale and told my mom. She had a moment, very brief, of disbelief, and then I know that it took her all the strength she has to say, "it's ok, we'll beat this too."

(tear) But buck up, we need to be strong.

Don't get me wrong, I cried for like 2 days straight, and now at night. It is scary. But last night I had this realization that if I get down, if I crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself, the cancer will will, and I am NOT going to let the cancer win. It's ok to be sad, angry, terrified, it's okay to break down every once in awhile, but I have to visualize the win. I can see it, I can see everyone I have ever know, ever touched, ever helped, all out with jackhammers, axes, and sledge hammers, all beating this cancer down. Everyone is fighting with me. I am not alone.

I also had this calm, like me in the future telling me now that everything is going to be ok. That I will beat this, I will be ok.

So here I am at 11:30 at night starting a blog. This is my journey and it will be led by God, my family, my friends. I will have bad days, it will be hard. It is the fight for my life, and I will win!