Confirmation- lightning can strike twice

So today I went in for my second biopsy, (apparently I have 2 tumors, one larger and one smaller) and my radiologist confirmed my diagnosis. I have infiltrated ductal cancer. I guess it is the most common type of breast cancer, 80% of breast cancers are ductal. My mom had infiltrated lobular cancer, so 2 completely different types of breast cancer strike the same family within a year, what are the odds? But it is ok. Actually having some information helps to ease my mind. I now know what to research. My treatment sounds like it will be very similar to my mom's with chemo first, than surgery, and radiation if needed.

Oh, I and picked a couple of theme songs, they might seem strange, but they motivate me and life my spirits:
Mumford and Sons- The Cave
It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Because I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Because I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Florance and the Machine- The Dog Days are Over
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

and so it begins

Wow, how 1 week can change your life. So it actually began about 3 weeks ago, when I discovered a large lump in my left breast. I was not really concerned, yes my mom just had breast cancer, but I had been assured that it was very unlikely that I would get it. I was actually advised to begin regular mammograms at 40. So in my mind I either just had lumpy breast, or maybe a leftover infection from breast feeding.

So last week I emailed my doctor how advised me to make an appointment right away. Tuesday was my next day off, so I went in. My doctor was not too worried, but ordered a mammogram and ultrasound just in case. On Wednesday I went in and had both. I became a little concerned reading the body language of my techs who administered both test, but when I was sent home I figured everything was ok. I consulted with my mom who said if they did not do a needle biopsy and mark my lump, it should be ok, so I didn't worry.

On Thursday at 9am I got a call from a radiologist asking if I could come in ASAP for a biopsy and to mark my lump. My heart sank, I called my mom, and off we went. The whole time still thinking," there is no way this is cancer, my mom just went through this less than a year ago, there is no way we could both have breast cancer, especially with no family history." They took me in right away and the chief of radiology preformed the biopsy. Then I asked, "so what else could it be aside from cancer." That is when I saw her face, she shook her head no, and said "nothing, there is nothing else it could be..." I kind of went into a fog after that hearing only every other word, I remember that after the doctor left I was shaking, and the nurse asked me "are you going to break down now" Still in a fog I kept thinking, "is there anyway I can be dreaming, this can not be real." I walked out, probably pale and told my mom. She had a moment, very brief, of disbelief, and then I know that it took her all the strength she has to say, "it's ok, we'll beat this too."

(tear) But buck up, we need to be strong.

Don't get me wrong, I cried for like 2 days straight, and now at night. It is scary. But last night I had this realization that if I get down, if I crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself, the cancer will will, and I am NOT going to let the cancer win. It's ok to be sad, angry, terrified, it's okay to break down every once in awhile, but I have to visualize the win. I can see it, I can see everyone I have ever know, ever touched, ever helped, all out with jackhammers, axes, and sledge hammers, all beating this cancer down. Everyone is fighting with me. I am not alone.

I also had this calm, like me in the future telling me now that everything is going to be ok. That I will beat this, I will be ok.

So here I am at 11:30 at night starting a blog. This is my journey and it will be led by God, my family, my friends. I will have bad days, it will be hard. It is the fight for my life, and I will win!