So exciting

Just woke up to watch the wedding!

Wednesday

So, my sister got on my case because I have not posted in a few days. We are busy getting ready for my dad's 60th party this Saturday.

I am also very excited and obsessed over the royal wedding. Really, I'm obsessed. Right now I am watching yet another special on the couple. I even found a fabulous hat to wear while I watch the wedding! And of course I have my Kate Middleton ring. I am going to try to stay up to watch it live, but we'll see.

So right now I have a lot of distractions, which is good, because I still freak out all the time, because I really have a hard time accepting that this really is my life, and I really do have cancer. It's just really hard thinking of the future. In my head I'm trying to figure out how my body works and how I can help it work better. How I can help my body fight off cancer cells in the future, the way it should. I'm started seeing an acupunturist today and after this weeks party, before the next chemo round, I'm going to find a yoga instructor. I really think that self awareness is going to the key. I'm hopeful, so we'll see.

One tough week

Well, it has been a tough week, my energy never really was more than 25% at best, I was constantly tired and icky, still feeling icky, but at least I'm up and dressed.

I need to thank my co-room mom from my 5 y/o's class. Last Monday she brought me homemade meal for the week! She is pregnant and has 2 kids and is a scientist, and she made dinner for my family, so thank you Skyla, although I felt like crap, I know my family was well fed!

I think the being bald is also bringing me down, like I had mentioned before, at least before, even if I felt sick, I didn't look sick, now I look like I have cancer and it really messes with your head, looking sick, all the time. So today I have my wig on, and I must say, I put it on and thought, wow, I look so pretty with hair! Now, last week I just felt bad, I did not have energy for even a scarf, but today, I am really appreciating the wig.

My Good Friday

So, a while ago, I think before I was diagnosised, we (myself, husband, sister, brother, and sister-in-law) had bought concert tickets to see Mumford and Sons. Now, since my diagnosis, their song "The Cave" has become an anthem for me, so despite feeling really sick and tired, I really wanted to go to this concert. So we bundled up, packed up some folding chairs and blankets and headed out to San Pedro. And the whole time I was questioning my decision.

I have been feeling awful, weak, nauseous. On average i am losing 10 lbs from chemo Monday to chemo Friday( worry not, I gain it back in a week)but it is a rough week. So there I am bundled up at a concert, everyone around me laughing, dancing, eating, drinking, and having fun. Then the band starts, and my self pity sets in.

The why me's, I am overcome with this sense of sadness and loneliness, and I realized that I am having my Good Friday moment, not at all that I am comparing myself with Jesus, but I did feel the sense of "why have You forsaken me..." Here I am, 33 facing stage 3 cancer, and I was consumed with sadness. Then I listened to the lyrics of the song playing, a song entitled "Timshel" they are as follows:

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand
And I will tell the night
Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you

Back to sick

Today I have felt awful. Extremely tired, no appetite, no energy. Hoping to go to bed now and wake up feeling better.

Bald, in bed, but feeling better

This time appears to be going betters than last, despite the 7 hours of vomiting the first night. I still feel nauseous, but I can eat, carefully. Water makes me sick still, but I can keep down gaterade and juice. I am napping frequently, but only for like an hour, every 3-4 hours, unlike last time when I would sleep for 18 hours a day, and I am not weak and shaky when I type or walk. So yea me! Still trying to keep it easy though.

Sick...

Last night I threw up every hour on the hour for 7 hours. I woke up exhausted. I now have a headache and still feel nauseous, I am trying to drink lots of water, but even water makes me feel sick. My parents brought me some jicama, which is a starchy fruit kind of a cross between an apple and a potato, it actually is really good, and I can tolerate it even with the nausea. Hopefully I start to feel better soon.

Waiting...

So I am waiting to start chemo #2. I had my blood drawn and am now waiting to see my doctor before chemo. I thought I wasn't nervous but my hands are shaking as I am typing... hopefully now that I know what to expect, I will be more prepared for the next few days.

Happy Birthday to me

Look at me

Going out with just a scarf. The car thermometer says 95 degrees, I think it's wrong, but either way it's too hot for a wig, so I am heading out with a scarf and some new makeup on.