Sunday

I made it through the weekend, kept busy, but I did it. I'm not sure how this next week will go, I had my mastectomy on March 6th of last year, but again in my head it was a Friday, so I don't know of Friday will be a hard day. I am busy though, girl scout cookies came in today, so if you ordered, I'll be busy trying to get your order to you! :)

Saturday

No tears today. I kept very busy, completely reorganization the girl's room, hit up Target for some retail therapy, although I did not buy myself anything :( picked up lots of stuff to help organize the room, a gift for my nephew who turns 3 tomorrow, and a couple of cute things for the girls to wear. Hopefully I go to sleep easily, busy day tomorrow!

Cancer-versary

So, I thought I was ready, I thought I was strong, but I am having a really hard time tonight. Today is my 1 year cancer-anniversary . I am sad and moody, and I cry, and I feel like I am being mean to my girls, and I'm scared, all over again. But in a different way from last year. I find myself crying, uncontrollably sobbing, and I keep reliving that day, I hear it over and over again, "it's cancer", and I mourn the innocence I had, the carefree life of not worrying about the cancer coming back, or worse passing some horrible, mean, unfair gene. I miss just worrying about money and cleaning, now I worry about the regular everyday stuff, plus all the crazy in my head. I miss my breast, I miss my ovaries. I know with time it will get better, I will get better, stronger, but for today and for now, I'm... I don't know...

Thursday...

This is just a strange, difficult week for me. So a year ago today, Thursday I was told I had cancer. And it's weird now, I'm in a good place and I am doing well, but how easily I can close my eyes and go back there. Every second, every feeling, I remember it all like it just happened. I close my eyes and I am a scared 32 year old who has to tell her family that she has breast cancer. I close my eyes and I'm crying so hard that I can't breathe. I remember all of it, what I did, who I told, going out to dinner with my brother and his wife and all the kids, all of us scared, but not talking about it. I remember it all.

A year ago to-day, (not to date) I had my first (and probably last) mammogram. A year ago today, I did not know I had cancer. Everything was still normal a year ago, and today is the last day that I can say that.

My growing hair

So, I hate to admit it, because I've never liked myself with short hair, but it's kind of growing on me. Definitely not a look I would normally "rock" but kind of edgy, not so bad. But like my cousins mentioned, with a cardigan, sends mixed signals, party on top, soccer mom below. Better than being bald!

I'm doing ok

So it's been two weeks since my opherectomy and I'm nervous to say, so far so good. I have had some pain and soreness, but the menopause, not so bad, the first 2 times were worse (in my 20's because of endometriosis and during chemo) no depression, anxiety is no worse than it has been, I pretty much feel like I felt 2 weeks ago, so yeah I guess, one more hurdle crossed and I'm still standing!

Hope

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I like this.

Best day

Lunch, manicures, then a nap with my girls :) this mom is happy!

what no one tells you...this may be graphic

Ok, so this is what no one tells you about having an oopherectomy, not that many people have them, but here it is. So my procedure was laparoscopic, meaning all done with small incisions as opposed to a large one, so have 4 tiny scars. Now with the mastectomy, most of my pain came from my incisions and drain tubes, so I was expecting the same kind of pain, but no, this pain is more closely compared to childbirth. I woke up to what felt like a contraction that would not go away, I was quickly given pain medication and felt better until it was time to stand up. Again, I had the flashbacks of childbirth, that after feeling like something has been ripped out of your insides. It's not there all the time, but it will hit you, when you move a certain way, or laugh, or breathe, you never know. Then there are the hormonal changes, which I have been waiting for since I learned that I would lose my ovaries. Now it's scientific, they take out the organ that makes estrogen and progesterone, so of course there has to be major side effects...well I'm still waiting. I kind of feel the same, maybe moodier because I am very tired, maybe being tired is another side effect- I am tired all the time even without the pain meds. I get sad, but I have been sad on and off since I was diagnosised. And the bleeding, nowhere, did any one warn me about the amount of bleeding. I take it back, when I left the hospital they said Ii would have light bleeding, so not true. Again it's like after childbirth bleeding, so, so far it's kind of like the worst period every, sore, moody, tired, sad, emotional, bloated...