I feel...

sadder, and a little empty, and sore... Not even shopping made me feel better. I guess just time.

My ovary liberation is complete

I am now a post menopausal woman. Everything went well, all done laparoscopially can go home, nothing alarming or unexpected, kept my uterus (yeah) thanks for all the good thought and prayers. Tired, drugged, and ready to go home :-)

To clarify, my uterus stayed in body, not like in a jar on my nightstand!

Oophorectomy....what???

<p>So another surgery tomorrow... I will have my ovaries removed. Now I have know that the was happening for several months, but now that it's here, I'm terrified. I have been putting off thinking about it, but driving home from work today, I totally panicked, like balling in the car, unable to breathe panic. So I called my friend (poor anna) just sobbing, poor thing probably thought the worst, so after I assured her that my health was fine I unloaded on her my every emotion and fear and frustration. I just feel like I have given and have to give up so much, I mean I am literally losing everything that makes me a women, and honestly, at 33, it's just a lot to realize. Of course i am greatly for life and all I have and I will do everything I need to to ensure and maintain complete remission, but sometimes it's just too much. Even with a great support system and for a great treatment team, it's a lot.

At work

First time at work, and really in public, with no hat, no scarf, just my own hair! Not too bad.

Wow, so the holidays came and went, I can't believe that they're over and its 2012! I really feel like I kind of lost a whole year. I am happy to move on to a new year, but scared too. Last year I was sure 2011 would be a great year, my mom would be entering the year cancer free, my parents had just bought a home 2 miles away, kids were great, it was going to be a great year, then in February I found a lump, just 2 months into the new year... So now I'm a little scared to be optimistic and hopeful, because just when you think everything is OK and no more bad can come, it can. So as ready as I am for a good year, I will enter it cautiously and try to resolve to appreciate my children everyday (auto correct suggested I appreciate my parents, hair, and house...) attitudes, temper tantrums and all, and to be grateful for the amazing support system I have.

My own little snow globe

So after months away, my girls and I returned to Disneyland today. I had promised them that after I went back to work I would take them, kind of a consolation prize for having me gone half the week, (little did I know that I would be making the same about at work as I was making on disability, oh well) but thanks to a secret Santa donation and some jars of coins, today was the day, and boy was it crowded!

We managed to get a few rides in, a parade, lunch, and an ice cream sunday... Not in that order. Oh and did I forget to mention that I had surgery yesterday... Totally random and out of the blue, I had my port replaced, so I have been in pain all day, but I promised.

Towards the end of our day (really we were only there maybe 3 hours) I had my snow globe moment... There we were on Main Street, all lit up as only Disney can do, eating ice cream with my girls, when they dim the lights, and light up the castle, then you make a wish, open your eyes and...it's snowing! Honestly, it gets me every year, but this year, to be there with my babies, all of us healthy, and happy, and it was a perfect moment. We were in our one little snow globe. Magic.

Happy little treats

While getting my herceptin infusion, ran into some hiccups, my port wasn't quite working right, so infusion had to fo the old fashion way, though a vein in my arm. Meanwhile medication was being put into the port to help open it up... So a 30 min process is now on hour 3! But, has not all been bad, some carolers from a local high school serenade all of us in infusion and a local volunteer group brought homemade gifts for us!

Crazy hair update

So it's getting there, almost a pixie, but with this cold weather and me being self conscious I'm not quite ready to bear it without a head piece. Thankfully the season lends itself well to hats and beanies.

Walked 2 miles

Now that I've been back at work almost 2 weeks, today I got back to walking. My good friends Barbara, Darshna and I walked 2 miles, slowly, but we did it. Thanks girls!

Bad days still come...

And still I have nights where I cry and I'm scared, still all the time. And I still wish that I would wake up and this would have all been a dream, for as much as I've gained and learned, I wish it never happened. And more than anything I pray everyday that my daughters never have cancer.