Say no to the hype of "pinktober"

Here's a couple of facts that I have found, feel free to share.

And the 2 organizations that I associate with are metavivor.org and young survival coalition.

Even in the darkest hour, hope rains down

I had stopped writing on this blog because I was trying to live past the cancer. It was in my past, and this past year, i have had so many personal battles, that I needed the cancer to be in the past.

 I think, like many women, and probably anyone who has had cancer, the cancer put a strain on my marriage that I couldn't "fix." My husband left me last June, and I spent months trying to figure out what my future, my family would look like without him.

Dispite all the stress and tears I did try my best to keep all of my doctor's appointments. My stress was evident in all of my blood test. Month after month the stress was showing, so my doctor ordered some additional scans. The day before thanksgiving, at 4:30pm i learned, there it was, a mass in my left lung, cancer. I was shocked and sad and scared. I knew what this meant. This was stage 4 metistatic cancer. So I sat there with my doctor and cried. Then found some colleagues/friends who were still at work, I work at the hospital where I get treatment, and fell apart.

Dispite all the ugliness from our divorce,  the first person I thought to call was my husband. He came to pick me up and drive me home. He made dinner for our kids and stayed a while. I told him I needed the past to be the past and for him to come home. He wasn't ready to give me an answer. He went home and left me to tell my daughters privately. They know that I had cancer, but we're to young to really remember it. They both started crying, even though I tried to reassure them that I am the same person I was the day before. That's all they know, that the cancer is back, I think they know it's stage 4, but at 6 and 9, they do not need to know what that means.

Eventually, my husband and stepson moved back and we spent Christmas and new years together as a family.

Not the happy ending I wanted, I'm not even sure what it all means, but what I do know is that God has a plan, and who am I to question it. I will accept my life, and love my life. I have so many blessings, and I am posting this months late, but I thought my cancer journey had ended, now I will try to live my best, love my most, and hope.

and so, we keep trying

So, life continues to be rough. Working on a marriage while facing stage 4 is not easy by any means. Sometimes I think it would be easier on my own, then I think of my kids, and they deserve so much more than what they will have to face, and I realize that their happiness is worth all my effort, our efforts into my marriage. 

So we try. My husband planned a great family vacation to Yosemite and Tahoe for us. I actually was not sure that I wanted to go, but we talked about it and here we are, and we have had a really good time, and my kids are happy. And I picked up a new love for, of all things, water coloring... who new!

A treatment day

Treatment day #metsmondays #strongerthancancer #dontignorestageiv @stompoutbc #flipagram ♫ Music: Brave - Sara Bareilles made with @flipagram . http://flipagram.com/f/TbAradpvJD

Don't ignore stage iv

#metsmondays #dontignorestageiv #survivorstrength #strongerthancancet #flipagram ♫ Music: The Story - Brandi Carlile made with @flipagram . http://flipagram.com/f/TXg4duF0M4

Spring break havasu falls 2015

Treatment day #metsmondays #strongerthancancer #dontignorestageiv @stompoutbc #flipagram ♫ Music: Brave - Sara Bareilles made with @flipagram . http://flipagram.com/f/TbAradpvJD

New hair, old me

So, I have looked more like me for a while. My hair had grown back, my scars have healed (and are mostly hidden), I no longer look like I had cancer. But when I looked in the mirror, all I would see was my bad hair. My ugly post cancer, post chemo hair.

I have said it before, for me, the worst part of cancer treatment was losing my hair. It was more traumatizing than losing by breasts or my ovaries. And as grateful as I have been for more longer being bald, my hair was awful. It was frizzy and coarse. I have been pulling it back into a tiny bobby pined  ponytail for weeks because it has been so unmanageable.

But that all changed on Tuesday when my mom offered to help me pay for a Brazillian blowout. Now my hair looks and feels beautiful and healthy. Even my husband noticed. My daughter said I look like I did before. I now look in the mirror, I see me, the old, undamaged me but with a new appreciation of life.

Well I made it to March 4. Two years ago today I had my first mastectomy. Last year, this week of my cancerversay was tough. I was afraid that it would bring up a lot of emotions again this year, but I have been quite busy and haven't really had time to think about it. Back then I felt like the world had stopped moving for me. The rest of the world was moving forward, but I had stopped. Now I'm in full swing.




What I find though is that people say, "Wow, two years, that has flown by!" But not to me, for me it has been a long 2 years. I have described it like rowing in the mud. I know that I am moving forward, but slowly. And I think it is because when you have cancer, you want to get to that 5 year mark. That magical 5 years cancer free, when your "chance for survival "goes up. Then there is also the fact that you want to hold on to each day, because no one is guaranteed another one. I just can't wait to be a seventy year old lady with my grandchildren around me and years of memories...

Chugging along

Well, I'm holding up, doing pretty good actually. Luckily I am very busy with my 3 kids. Girl scouts, Boy Scouts, softball, piano, essays, book reports, book fair, parent teacher conferences, little boys birthday... and it's only Wednesday! But it has all kept my mind off of my cancerversary. I still have my moments, but like many of by breast cancer sisters told me, they become few and far between, and it's amazing to me that point where cancer does not consume my every moment. I still can not go back and read my blog post from 2 years ago, but I can make it through a day without tears.

Ignorance was bliss

Two years ago today, I didn't know there was a time bomb inside of me.

I didn't know the world of anti anxiety medication, monthly blood draws, and multiple surgeries.

I have trying to keep busy and not pay attention to the fact that tomorrow is "cancerversary" but it looms in the corner. Flashbacks. Sadness. Fear.

And I'm so overwhelmed with emotions. I know I haven't blogged in a while, but for the next few days, I think this again will be my outlet.

I survived #6

And all appears to be well. Just some pain and discomfort. But only I could go on for a boob job and come out with a corneal abrasion! Apparently, something got onto my right eye before they takes it shut and caused a small scratch. Nothing serious, it will just be irritated for a day or row. Just another thing to add to the list of bad that hurt. But I am thankful that it's done and feel blessed to be home!

Pre op holding

Hope the docs are well rested!

Twas the night before surgery, take 6.

So, going in tomorrow at 5:30am for surgery number 6. Nothing too drastic, just removing my tissue expanders and replacing them with actual implants, then removing chemo port. But, I am scared. I don't want to die, I don't want anything to go wrong. My littlest was crying tonight saying, please don't have surgery tomorrow, and it kind of freaked me out. I know she's four, so of course she doesn't want me to go to the hospital, and in her mind surgery means staying over night, but I assured her that I will be home tomorrow afternoon. I just want to be done, and over this whole cancer thing. But I know it will always be a part of me, a part of my life, and I pray every night that my girls don't have the gene, and that regardless of if they do or don't, that we find a cure. Eleven years till my oldest can be tested, 11 years to find that cure!

My new do

So yay, I have hair, the problem is (although I am totally grateful that I am not bald) that, yes it seems like I have longish hair in the back, maybe a good four inches, I also only have four inches of hair on the top. So I have like two haircuts, kind of a shag look going on. And unfortunately a lot of the ends still have that post chemo frizz that I am still not ready to cut, as it would make my hair a good inch shorter. So I have tried unsuccessfully to straighten it with a flat iron, and while it looks ok, it kind of accentuates the frizz and uneven haircut. So finally I gave in to the curl. My mom did this during her growing out stage and it seemed to work for her, so know I'm giving it a try. And I must say, not bad. I do feel like I look a lot like my mom with this hair, but it's something different and not too time consuming, so I'll give it a try.

My heart is breaking

The tragedy in Newtown, CT has me in tears. I can not comprehend why this has happened. This post is not about my fight or anything to do with breast cancer, but this blog has been my therapy, and right now I need therapy. Hearing the details make me sick. 20 babies, shot, crying, screaming, it is not ok and how can I be ok. I am struggling to be ok, my girls, so innocent, know nothing about what has happened, so I try not to cry in front of them, but I am sad, heartbroken, and I feel so guilty. Guilty that my kids are safe, guilty when I get mad because their rooms are a mess. Guilty because I am a mom, who still has my kids to hug. But I see on tv that it's us, the adults who are all feeling this guilt, carrying the weight of this tragedy while protecting our children from the news, because, why do my 4 and 7 year old need to know that someone would do this at a school? So I carry this sadness, and I cry with the door closed, and I hug them extra tight as they sleep. I pray for the families, the town, the mom's that lost their babies, and I promise to hug mine extra tight and kiss them and tell them I love them...

Mumford

So tonight we went to the Mumford and sons concert. It was amazing. The thing with Mumford is that their music was the music of my treatment. From surgery to cat scans to chemo, their music got me through it. Their songs bring me peace, but also take me back to that dark time, but somehow make me feel whole. We went to their concert a few days after my second chemo treatment, and I was so sick and sad, but their song timshel spoke to me and really defined my journey at that moment. I love this band, and their music will always have a special place in my soul.

What it's like to lose your hair after chemo

This video is so real and honest. It's a feeling you never forget and no matter how prepared you are, it's terrifying.

Watch "Diem Brown Films Her Hair Loss After Cancer Treatment" on YouTube

Avon Walk 2012

Amazing, inspirational, emotional. Thank you H and A for being by my side all weekend. Thank you to everyone who donated for the cause.

It's Avon walk time again!

So this will be my third year participating in the Avon walk for breast cancer. I will not be walking, but will be on the crew that assists with the event. This is always a rewarding, emotional, and inspirational weekend for me. Thank you for everyone who has supported me. There is still time to donate for those who wish to: http://info.avonfoundation.org/goto/anise

I hate my hair...

And my hair hates me. Seriously, it is like a brillo pad on my head. The only way to tame it is with about 30 bobby pins and that just makes it presentable, doesn't even look good... I don't know what to do with it.